Friday, February 03, 2006

Mea culpa

Never mind the philosophy of the blog. Crises are opportunities: currently I just stagger on from workday to workday, all reserves exhausted. I have made a good impression no doubt, crisp, decisive, knowledgeable, often on matters I know very little about. Not much new in there: on many levels I have always been an act in this field. What I used to do - after the fact - was really to attack the subject, maybe not even very exhaustively (how would that be possible in any case as regards any IT matter – there is no depth, no meaning there), but effectively nevertheless: I would do my minimum reading and writing and be fine with lots of energy left for the actually meaningful things. I could perform well or at the very least been seen to perform well and still concentrate really on other perspectives, the long views: art, love, history. At the moment...

At the moment I just stagger on from workday to workday only too often with a panicky feeling behind my confident, crisp facade. An old acquitance actually, that feeling, interesting to encounter it again: I had thought it had left my life for good for many years ago. Now it seems only a matter of time when the collapse will come. Being fresh to this place a long sick leave is not an option if I mean to continue. And what do I mean? Of course, in any case I was planning to change my course fundamentally but not in a disorganized retreat with finances extremely doubtful without an IT salary and with little if any reserves of energy left for a profound change of lifestyle. So here I am, bounded by these iron structures. Of course many things have led to this point, not the least of them the fact that I have had an obscure, non-serious but quite a tiring illness for the last two years. It seems cured now, but in this particular constellation it was probably too much, the force that tipped the balance.

“Crisis are opportunities.” “What do I mean?” Crisis are opportunities: these are the thoughts that have been echoing in my mind during these quite awful weeks. At times in a surprisingly fruitful, creative manner it seems to me. What do I mean, what is giving up and what is gaining, have I yet really returned to the straight and swift lines between the stars that once were so clear and so visible to me? I do know that I have returned a long strech, found my person and my place defined, bounded by love, by art. And we are only measured by time, not by money, not by possesions. Time is all we have: it should not be wasted. I have been unavoidably wasting my time, from workday to workday – or it has seemed unavoidable in order to gain other things, more meaningful, but what have I really gained by it? Not love, not art, not happiness. Interesting that even amidst this awful time I have been able to lift my eyes towards those swift lines between the stars, there is hope left: crises are opportunities.


P said...

My Lovely you are.
I hope you remember: I am here.
yours, P

Anonymous said...

It is definitely starting to look like the changes you made with your work have not resulted in a happier you. To be quite frank,I thought since you remained in the old field it would not bring the fundamental change that might be needed to salvage your happiness. There in lies the difficulty; what is a family man to do? You do value quality and by your high standards of measurements, you might never achieve this stage.

The fact that probably the most of us, worker ants, are unhappy about our daily toils will not console you. I can't think of anything, short of total separation from what you are doing now, that could help your situation.

There could be also an over reach on your part, where you are trying to capture some kind of illusory stage of happiness which might or might not exist at all. There is also another "curse" working against you, thoughtfulness. You think a lot and that brings you face to face with issues that most other worker ants pay no attention to. When you really come down to it, how is a thinking man suppose to remain happy or even sane?

stockholm slender said...

A good point, and in the first comment the best one... But this last move was intended to be a temporary remedy that has mainly unexpectedly gone awry. (Should that be a word.) I was vaguely thinking of a year at most two, now there might be some sort of crash landing instead of any dignified exit, but the question remains. Even should I be able to bear this awful field it would not be time well spent. And time is all we have.